detached

as a kid i remember peering inside the house from the windows,
(condensation from my breath all built up) my tiny fingers so cold i couldn't even bend them.
but, that was my choice...i was playing a game.
i was playing escape,
running away in my mind.
at that point as a child i wanted to be anywhere but inside that house.

its amazing what happens when you look at things from the outside.
you feel a bit detached.
also, it doesn't seem to hurt as much.
now, i'm going to say,
i know that's probably not the healthiest approach to things.
actually i'm quite certain, it can't be.
but, to be struggling as much as i did from time to time
sometimes it's all i could really do.
i watched myself, outside of myself
pretending that it wasn't me.
it wasn't me.
i ran away.


i've found myself doing that a lot lately, like when i was a kid.
things always seem very much surreal and unattached that way.
a bit cloudy, murky, and a lot more faint.
the pain of the memories and my dysfunction is sometimes overwhelming.
my whole life i've runaway.
in my mind and i would say sometimes even in my heart.
in a way my thoughts have always been detached.
i always wanted to spend my time thinking this thing didn't happened to me.
those memories and pain aren't mine.

and in the end, it hits me harder,
always.

the truth is,

most of the time i don't know what to expect. 

i am fragile.

i am emotional.

i am many things, all the time.

i get so confused.

i'll admit most of the time, i feel so alone, surrounded by people.

i feel like screaming.

can you not see me?!

can you not see my anguish.

it is written across my heart, i bleed it.

i am almost certain that this is something that never really gets better.

it's just a haunting.

a haunting of evelyne. 

how long can it linger above me, in my dreams and in my thoughts.

relax, you're not alone

open your eyes now,
we're all wounded.
surrounded by uncertainties
followed by nightmares and night terrors.

in real life
we must learn to breathe all over again
in and out
pacing ourselves
not taking in too much air that quickly.

close your eyes and just breathe
think of beautiful things
of family and friends.
of good times.

everything in life is never easy.

breathing, living, loving

simple and complicated

only human- a calling for prayer

i don't know how to feel about certain things in my life.
these emotions, these feelings,
they make me only human.

pain, frustration, feelings of uncertainty
it's the only way to feel
the only natural human way to react.

emotional reactions
lived in fear,
lived in blood and tears
the most honest of reactions
true and pure.

what is right?
what is natural?
if i cry, if i bleed
how much do i really care?
how much is just human response?

last night
i had a dream that you died, again.
i saw you run into traffic,
and get hit by a car.
i woke up
and tears formed.
they ran down my face.
emotionally distressed
i wiped them confused,
with my pulse racing.
i was emotionally conflicted about it.
but i know my feelings are honest,
i know i am only human.

when being raised in chaos,
you get conflicted
you get confused
you debate with what is right and what is wrong.
it's twisted
it's ugly
it's forever unclear
and endlessly questionable.

i need to learn how to just let go.
i could question every feeling,
every damn emotion
but, i would never survive that.
i could never be free if i did.

i know you are the reason i hold anger so close to my heart to this day.
i must learn to let go,
i must be free of it,
or i will enviably explode/implode
and let myself be destroyed
let all the things i love be destroyed.

i always feel as if i take two steps forward,
followed by ten steps back.
why must i always let it come back to this?
god help me

a raw reality

as i lay here,
i write
conflicted and confused.

i am withdrawn
i do that from time to time.
as unhealthy as i know my withdrawal is.
sometimes it's the only thing that helps me endure
the transitions of pain.

this pain,
it's always evolving.
sometimes more than my own fashion
more than my own self.

how do i not let it overcome,
if every time it comes back
it comes back
new,
improved,
and ready to cut me deep.

till i bleed.

1992-1993

in 8th grade i bought my first depeche mode album..

depeche mode- songs of faith and devotion

their songs still make me very emotional to this day.
it's a beautiful, beautiful album.
if you haven't heard it, maybe you should...at least once for me.

march twenty second

that day will forever be special to me.
it was my very first day writing in this blog.
my journal.
my heart.

thank you for following.

for my silent readers,
thank you for being my inspiration to start this blog.

and to all of you who have now traded similar stories of pain and with me.
who have cried with me.
thank you for everything.
together we will heal through our tragedies.
become stronger.
and be something else,
than a victim.