a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

only human- a calling for prayer

i don't know how to feel about certain things in my life.
these emotions, these feelings,
they make me only human.

pain, frustration, feelings of uncertainty
it's the only way to feel
the only natural human way to react.

emotional reactions
lived in fear,
lived in blood and tears
the most honest of reactions
true and pure.

what is right?
what is natural?
if i cry, if i bleed
how much do i really care?
how much is just human response?

last night
i had a dream that you died, again.
i saw you run into traffic,
and get hit by a car.
i woke up
and tears formed.
they ran down my face.
emotionally distressed
i wiped them confused,
with my pulse racing.
i was emotionally conflicted about it.
but i know my feelings are honest,
i know i am only human.

when being raised in chaos,
you get conflicted
you get confused
you debate with what is right and what is wrong.
it's twisted
it's ugly
it's forever unclear
and endlessly questionable.

i need to learn how to just let go.
i could question every feeling,
every damn emotion
but, i would never survive that.
i could never be free if i did.

i know you are the reason i hold anger so close to my heart to this day.
i must learn to let go,
i must be free of it,
or i will enviably explode/implode
and let myself be destroyed
let all the things i love be destroyed.

i always feel as if i take two steps forward,
followed by ten steps back.
why must i always let it come back to this?
god help me

a raw reality

as i lay here,
i write
conflicted and confused.

i am withdrawn
i do that from time to time.
as unhealthy as i know my withdrawal is.
sometimes it's the only thing that helps me endure
the transitions of pain.

this pain,
it's always evolving.
sometimes more than my own fashion
more than my own self.

how do i not let it overcome,
if every time it comes back
it comes back
and ready to cut me deep.

till i bleed.