negative space

if i survived the abuse,
i must survive the recovery.

the recovery
it's a daily thing,
a yearly thing
like holidays
like birthdays
year by year
the smells are always the same
the feelings are always the same
negative.
negative and empty

i wake up from a half sleep
wake up and decide,
let me live and breathe another day
let me be a mother,
a wife, a sister and a daugther,
maybe even a friend,
i don't do this very well...
a dreamer.
a dreamer of the best dreams ever imagined.

the best me that i can
with all my being

lost

some nights i can still hardly sleep

last night was one of those nights

anxious beyond control

my palms sweaty,

my hands freezing cold

what does an anxiety attack feel like?

does it feel like i do now?

i try over and over to shut my eyes and think....

of nothing...

nothingness is never enough

before i can open my eyes,

thoughts invade like a plague...

i cant open them quick enough..

the thoughts swarm in.

like ants to a morsel of ethan's breakfast left behind.

i shake my head...

like i'm going to knock them out or something ridiculous

with no use..

i try to think of other things,

my kids, my husband

but i still see it there..

lurking..

every damn time i try and close my eyes.

this is how i live,

when will i be able breathe..

freely

all to myself, just for myself.

for now i'll just be waiting

and having insomnia

i hide from the truth that i am..

i must be more honest with myself..

i think i need a therapist