a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


some nights i can still hardly sleep
last night was one of those nights
anxious beyond control
my palms sweaty,
my hands freezing cold
what does an anxiety attack feel like?
does it feel like i do now?

i try over and over to shut my eyes and think....
of nothing...
nothingness is never enough

before i can open my eyes,
thoughts invade like a plague...
i cant open them quick enough..
the thoughts swarm in.
like ants to a morsel of ethan's breakfast left behind.
i shake my head...
like i'm going to knock them out or something ridiculous
with no use..
i try to think of other things,
my kids, my husband
but i still see it there..
every damn time i try and close my eyes.

this is how i live,
when will i be able breathe..
all to myself, just for myself.

for now i'll just be waiting
and having insomnia

i hide from the truth that i am..
i must be more honest with myself..
i think i need a therapist

1 comment:

  1. just too many stressors upon one little lady...and once again i see you arriving at logical conclusions all by yourself on things i had to be told over and over again. yes, go with your gut. wouldn't hurt you one little bit to sit down and talk with someone once a week and let it all out and let it be allllll about you. <3