last night was one of those nights
anxious beyond control
my palms sweaty,
my hands freezing cold
what does an anxiety attack feel like?
does it feel like i do now?
i try over and over to shut my eyes and think....
nothingness is never enough
before i can open my eyes,
thoughts invade like a plague...
i cant open them quick enough..
the thoughts swarm in.
like ants to a morsel of ethan's breakfast left behind.
i shake my head...
like i'm going to knock them out or something ridiculous
with no use..
i try to think of other things,
my kids, my husband
but i still see it there..
every damn time i try and close my eyes.
this is how i live,
when will i be able breathe..
all to myself, just for myself.
for now i'll just be waiting
and having insomnia
i hide from the truth that i am..
i must be more honest with myself..
i think i need a therapist