a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Saturday, April 16, 2011

we are not alone

and then she asked, umm.. what is this you sent me?
...and i thought to myself, did i make a mistake,
nervous and kinda scared..i finally replied...its a blog.....
......followed by yet another long drawn out agonizing pause...
that i write....
its a blog that i write,
  its a blog that i write,
       its a blog that i write...
My voice repeated and repeated in my mind.
was it a mistake, i was scared,
but what came after was even greater than i could have expected.

i guess i didn't realize how hard it would be to show people this blog.
the fact is so obvious to me now.
people i care about, people that don't know.
everyone. basically.
sharing this blog is just as hard as writing this blog.

i checked my email, like i usually do.
she had written me an email response, thanking me for sharing my blog with her.
reading her email made me cry, i admit.
she said i was doing something infinitely important...that my idea for this blog was beyond brilliant.
i cant say that, that comment doesn't make me feel awesome.
i want this blog, to grow, to thrive in awesomeness.
but most of all i want it to help me,
and maybe some others along the way.

our strengths together.
our weakness and insecurities unite.
we share and are burdened with the same/but different experiences.
we are not alone.
by far, we are not alone.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

i don't blame her

today, the subject came up.
my mom decided to talk/excuse herself from any blame about my past.
about my molestation. she's only known for about six months now...i am now 31.
this is something that happened years and years ago.
i'm not saying i don't still deal with it, sometimes daily or weekly.
i'll always be having to deal with it, i think. 
what i am saying is that, i'm OK.
I have always had my faith in God,
and music.
i strongly believe that my faith in God has been so strong, 
it has saved me from my own depressions, my own self. 
music put my anxieties at rest and together these things have made me whole.
i am who i am because of life, because of  my past.

she said something today,
that made me feel like she was putting blame on me for not telling her sooner.
how do you tell your mother...i did tell you. 
remember, on this and this occasion.
remember when i was 6....and then again around 11?
i remember because as a very confused, sad, lonely kid, 
i told her in ways that she might understand.
she never did put it all together.
maybe its her ignorance,
maybe i don't know.
all i know, is i don't inquire.
i don't want to think she knew or even had an inkling.

my mother is a very ignorant uneducated person.
i'm not saying she's dumb.
i'm just saying i guess, maybe she was naive.

how do i tell her i did tell her, twice..maybe three times.
how do i do that without her feeling like i'm blaming her?
that would never be my intention, 
and i forgive her for her ignorance of not understanding.

i pray that i will be able to see and understand when someone is reaching out to me.
i pray. i pray. i pray

Friday, April 1, 2011

there's always up

there's always up. that's all we can do sometimes. it's all we can breathe, feel and taste.
at least that's my experience.
its how i choose to live my life.
.open ended.
i took this picture on my honeymoon.
because that's the way i try and view my life. each and every time i become overwhelmed.