a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Thursday, April 14, 2011

i don't blame her

today, the subject came up.
my mom decided to talk/excuse herself from any blame about my past.
about my molestation. she's only known for about six months now...i am now 31.
this is something that happened years and years ago.
i'm not saying i don't still deal with it, sometimes daily or weekly.
i'll always be having to deal with it, i think. 
what i am saying is that, i'm OK.
I have always had my faith in God,
and music.
i strongly believe that my faith in God has been so strong, 
it has saved me from my own depressions, my own self. 
music put my anxieties at rest and together these things have made me whole.
i am who i am because of life, because of  my past.

she said something today,
that made me feel like she was putting blame on me for not telling her sooner.
how do you tell your mother...i did tell you. 
remember, on this and this occasion.
remember when i was 6....and then again around 11?
i remember because as a very confused, sad, lonely kid, 
i told her in ways that she might understand.
she never did put it all together.
maybe its her ignorance,
maybe i don't know.
all i know, is i don't inquire.
i don't want to think she knew or even had an inkling.

my mother is a very ignorant uneducated person.
i'm not saying she's dumb.
i'm just saying i guess, maybe she was naive.

how do i tell her i did tell her, twice..maybe three times.
how do i do that without her feeling like i'm blaming her?
that would never be my intention, 
and i forgive her for her ignorance of not understanding.

i pray that i will be able to see and understand when someone is reaching out to me.
i pray. i pray. i pray

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