a raw reality

as i lay here,
i write
conflicted and confused.

i am withdrawn
i do that from time to time.
as unhealthy as i know my withdrawal is.
sometimes it's the only thing that helps me endure
the transitions of pain.

this pain,
it's always evolving.
sometimes more than my own fashion
more than my own self.

how do i not let it overcome,
if every time it comes back
it comes back
new,
improved,
and ready to cut me deep.

till i bleed.