a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

only human- a calling for prayer

i don't know how to feel about certain things in my life.
these emotions, these feelings,
they make me only human.

pain, frustration, feelings of uncertainty
it's the only way to feel
the only natural human way to react.

emotional reactions
lived in fear,
lived in blood and tears
the most honest of reactions
true and pure.

what is right?
what is natural?
if i cry, if i bleed
how much do i really care?
how much is just human response?

last night
i had a dream that you died, again.
i saw you run into traffic,
and get hit by a car.
i woke up
and tears formed.
they ran down my face.
emotionally distressed
i wiped them confused,
with my pulse racing.
i was emotionally conflicted about it.
but i know my feelings are honest,
i know i am only human.

when being raised in chaos,
you get conflicted
you get confused
you debate with what is right and what is wrong.
it's twisted
it's ugly
it's forever unclear
and endlessly questionable.

i need to learn how to just let go.
i could question every feeling,
every damn emotion
but, i would never survive that.
i could never be free if i did.

i know you are the reason i hold anger so close to my heart to this day.
i must learn to let go,
i must be free of it,
or i will enviably explode/implode
and let myself be destroyed
let all the things i love be destroyed.

i always feel as if i take two steps forward,
followed by ten steps back.
why must i always let it come back to this?
god help me


  1. i was just thinking about you today, and now i know why. i love you, and just getting all your feelings on paper feels better. just know i am reading your thoughts, and sending positivity to you.

  2. oh ami lee, thank you. i love you and miss you so much.

  3. Thank you,
    I would love to photograph you.

  4. dreams are so powerful and sometimes we don't shake them off for days...they can hang over us like a dark storm cloud, threatening rain (or worse), but after awhile, it subsides, you just wake up one morning and realize it evaporated...you go, "hmmm, i remember that cloud"

  5. Evelyne, I think we had a connection that was strong, but short lived. I knew you were an ocean that i would never get to explore. I'm glad I was able to sit on the beach and take you in for a bit. You are a strong women. Overcoming obstacles, that YOU can only overcome. I wish you the best of luck. <3

    1. thank you for your kind words, and thank you for taking the time to read a little bit into my soul. everyone's comments, actually really do mean the world to me.
      your comment reminded me of a beautiful pearl jam song, "oceans".

    2. Humans pick other people to be in their lives for a reason. Subconsciously... we are a piece of your puzzle that needs to be filled. You were a big piece of my puzzle for a long time. I think we had more in common then we got to explore......