insecurities are judged

how do we know where to begin,
and when to end things.
our own insecurities blanket us,
from within ourselves.
never having to leave ourselves for comfort.
some days i imagine this to be easier,
some days, in my dreams i imagine this to be easier.
over and over again
these tricks we play on ourselves.
in the end,
by ourselves...
shaken and barely breathing

negative space

if i survived the abuse,
i must survive the recovery.

the recovery
it's a daily thing,
a yearly thing
like holidays
like birthdays
year by year
the smells are always the same
the feelings are always the same
negative.
negative and empty

i wake up from a half sleep
wake up and decide,
let me live and breathe another day
let me be a mother,
a wife, a sister and a daugther,
maybe even a friend,
i don't do this very well...
a dreamer.
a dreamer of the best dreams ever imagined.

the best me that i can
with all my being

lost

some nights i can still hardly sleep

last night was one of those nights

anxious beyond control

my palms sweaty,

my hands freezing cold

what does an anxiety attack feel like?

does it feel like i do now?

i try over and over to shut my eyes and think....

of nothing...

nothingness is never enough

before i can open my eyes,

thoughts invade like a plague...

i cant open them quick enough..

the thoughts swarm in.

like ants to a morsel of ethan's breakfast left behind.

i shake my head...

like i'm going to knock them out or something ridiculous

with no use..

i try to think of other things,

my kids, my husband

but i still see it there..

lurking..

every damn time i try and close my eyes.

this is how i live,

when will i be able breathe..

freely

all to myself, just for myself.

for now i'll just be waiting

and having insomnia

i hide from the truth that i am..

i must be more honest with myself..

i think i need a therapist

daphne

my name is daphne
i have many grey hair
i speak in a tone of much affection,
but scarcely show fear of the supernatural.
i sense tension with a bit of character,
as you whisper softly into my left ear
i can feel the moisture in your breath,
and see the hate in your eyes.
i speak as though i have experienced many things,
you speak like an innocent child
uncertain of life

my "things to do" list grows longer and longer
as my health plummets to the pit of
your stomach
you seemed puzzled with my infatuation
with god,
and my knowledge of lucifer
but it's just that you're so easily amused with people
i fear for both our lives,
now that no path is better
one a burning hell,
and the other
a slightly more modified version
with air-conditioning

my thoughts and ramblings

well. i found some of my old writing from high school.
pretty dark, compared to my writings today.
to me this was the most difficult time.
poor mr. dorna had to read all my misery.
he had to have known.
maybe that's why it genuinely seemed like he cared about me.
high school was difficult
i was alone. i felt alone.
but life is difficult.
i remember being very sad, very depressed.
not understanding anything that had happened,
the disgust and feelings of guilt left me numb with pain.
and the anger that lay inside me,
was there for anyone to see.

i know maybe you think i'm sad or depressed right now
because of my writings, but this is just my release.
like i said, this is my outlet.
i let all my bad days and nights live here.

beyond me

when you feel like i do,
heart and soul
shattered,
weak...limp
uneasiness trembles throughout me,
beyond me
then you will know
what it feels like to be me.

people judge me
i know they do
behind their eyes
i can see it,
feel it

i swallow,
dry
and so uncomfortably

eyes and tongues
your words spoken,
come back to me

deceit

do you know what it feels like?

make your lies.
calm your heart and soul with me

release me

i have always given much credit of my early survival to music.
without it
i don't know where or what exactly my mental state would be.

i believe strongly in music,
its power, its charm
its whispering thoughts
surrounding me,
embracing me,
unconditionally
feeling my thoughts, my pasts,
my everything
with me

never judging

i lived in the music,
we escaped together
many times i would lay in my bed
listening...
breathing...
choking on tears of sadness.
tears of a girl
with a lost sense of being.

i believe music heals the soul
its power, unheard of
with ever lyric full of life,
every lyric full of pain

i was released.