daily motion

sometimes, some days are not that easy
it's like everything is disconnected.
raw.
the feelings that run within me,
break me.
and i still end up feeling lost.
after all this time.

her

i'm not like you. 

i can't talk, i can't say that it happened

i can't admit it.

i don't want to think about it,

or relive it.

and i totally understand her.

i've been there,

and i didn't like it either.

i understand.

admitting that it happened.

admitting that you are a victim, is beyond hard...

and in my eyes,

one of the hardest things to do.

it was for me.

i used to have guilt.

i used to believe, i was at fault, 

dirty ...anything

just because i didn't understand how anyone normal could ever do that.

how anyone normal?

what i understood later,

was that there is no damn way those people are normal.

they are beyond sick.

they are demented.

and really, 

they never regret it,

they don't even pause and think about all the damage they've done.

basically, they see nothing wrong.

and that's how they go about life.

from one victim to another.

bastard.

today. she told me.

he molested her too.

and it hurt to hear,

to know.

she is 4 years older than me, 35.

and she could hardly say it.

the words barely slipped her lips. 

and i understood.

everything.

the sadness, the guilt.

the hurt.

the years of silence.

i just let her cry.

and i talked. 

we are not alone

and then she asked, umm.. what is this you sent me?
...and i thought to myself, did i make a mistake,
nervous and kinda scared..i finally replied...its a blog.....
......followed by yet another long drawn out agonizing pause...
that i write....
its a blog that i write,
  its a blog that i write,
       its a blog that i write...
My voice repeated and repeated in my mind.
was it a mistake, i was scared,
but what came after was even greater than i could have expected.

i guess i didn't realize how hard it would be to show people this blog.
the fact is so obvious to me now.
people i care about, people that don't know.
everyone. basically.
sharing this blog is just as hard as writing this blog.

i checked my email, like i usually do.
she had written me an email response, thanking me for sharing my blog with her.
reading her email made me cry, i admit.
she said i was doing something infinitely important...that my idea for this blog was beyond brilliant.
i cant say that, that comment doesn't make me feel awesome.
i want this blog, to grow, to thrive in awesomeness.
but most of all i want it to help me,
and maybe some others along the way.

our strengths together.
our weakness and insecurities unite.
we share and are burdened with the same/but different experiences.
we are not alone.
by far, we are not alone.

i don't blame her

today, the subject came up.

my mom decided to talk/excuse herself from any blame about my past.

about my molestation. she's only known for about six months now...i am now 31.

this is something that happened years and years ago.

i'm not saying i don't still deal with it, sometimes daily or weekly.

i'll always be having to deal with it, i think. 

what i am saying is that, i'm OK.

I have always had my faith in God,

and music.

i strongly believe that my faith in God has been so strong, 

it has saved me from my own depressions, my own self. 

music put my anxieties at rest and together these things have made me whole.

i am who i am because of life, because of  my past.

she said something today,

that made me feel like she was putting blame on me for not telling her sooner.

how do you tell your mother...i did tell you. 

remember, on this and this occasion.

remember when i was 6....and then again around 11?

i remember because as a very confused, sad, lonely kid, 

i told her in ways that she might understand.

she never did put it all together.

maybe its her ignorance,

maybe i don't know.

all i know, is i don't inquire.

i don't want to think she knew or even had an inkling.

my mother is a very ignorant uneducated person.

i'm not saying she's dumb.

i'm just saying i guess, maybe she was naive.

how do i tell her i did tell her, twice..maybe three times.

how do i do that without her feeling like i'm blaming her?

that would never be my intention, 

and i forgive her for her ignorance of not understanding.

i pray that i will be able to see and understand when someone is reaching out to me.
i pray. i pray. i pray

there's always up

there's always up. that's all we can do sometimes. it's all we can breathe, feel and taste.
at least that's my experience.
its how i choose to live my life.
.open ended.
i took this picture on my honeymoon.
because that's the way i try and view my life. each and every time i become overwhelmed.

.......

through music, through art, through friendship.. that's how I endured the hardship that was my highschool career. ackwardness and feelings of inadequacy ...it was a everyday thing. it walked me to and from school, making sure I was not left alone.. to myself, to my mind.
undeniable, I sometimes still feel those feelings.. they over take me..lingering..behind my eyes, behind my heart, behind my soul.

this is my outlet.

being a victim of molestation is something that continues haunting me to this day.

i believe it's something that i will never really recover from completely.
by this, i do not mean i am not normal. i can and do live a normal life.
it's just something that i have realized over time... this is part of me.
whether i like it or not, its there. it happened, and i was affected.

by saying that, what i mean is, it's something that stays with you. forever.

ever changing innocence...sometimes catching a glimpse of saturday morning cartoons makes me rememeber the forgotten.... makes me relive it, for a disgusting instance.