...venom...

this has everything
and at the same time nothing to do with my past experiences.

sometimes.

sometimes,
i get caught up
in life.
sometimes i react in all the right ways.
sometimes i do just the opposite,
and completely destroy things.
making things worse.

have you ever taken a situation completely out of context.
blamed all your frustration and anger on something or someone.

well. that's what happened.

i wish i could clean the slate. but i feel like poison.
unhealthy.
my mind and my body are weak.

projection

we all make mistakes.
but do we recognize them?
do they weigh in your stomach?
do they break your heart?

we put ourselves in these situations,
But do not know how to react.

clouded judgments and denial.

Denial...maybe i need help. maybe i need a therapist. maybe.
i don't know.

i am so much weaker than people perceive me to be.
weaken, mislead and confused.
sometimes i imagine myself..more perfect.
then you know..something happens...and it shows me,
i'm still just that stupid scared girl in
grade school...
high school..
day after day
year after year.

the infliction of pain and heartache,
heartbreak.
the bond of trust and friendship over in a second.

words are strong and powerful things.
masochistic by nature.
theses things i say,
these things i do.
i don't understand.
i will never understand.

daily motion

sometimes, some days are not that easy
it's like everything is disconnected.
raw.
the feelings that run within me,
break me.
and i still end up feeling lost.
after all this time.

her

i'm not like you. 

i can't talk, i can't say that it happened

i can't admit it.

i don't want to think about it,

or relive it.

and i totally understand her.

i've been there,

and i didn't like it either.

i understand.

admitting that it happened.

admitting that you are a victim, is beyond hard...

and in my eyes,

one of the hardest things to do.

it was for me.

i used to have guilt.

i used to believe, i was at fault, 

dirty ...anything

just because i didn't understand how anyone normal could ever do that.

how anyone normal?

what i understood later,

was that there is no damn way those people are normal.

they are beyond sick.

they are demented.

and really, 

they never regret it,

they don't even pause and think about all the damage they've done.

basically, they see nothing wrong.

and that's how they go about life.

from one victim to another.

bastard.

today. she told me.

he molested her too.

and it hurt to hear,

to know.

she is 4 years older than me, 35.

and she could hardly say it.

the words barely slipped her lips. 

and i understood.

everything.

the sadness, the guilt.

the hurt.

the years of silence.

i just let her cry.

and i talked. 

we are not alone

and then she asked, umm.. what is this you sent me?
...and i thought to myself, did i make a mistake,
nervous and kinda scared..i finally replied...its a blog.....
......followed by yet another long drawn out agonizing pause...
that i write....
its a blog that i write,
  its a blog that i write,
       its a blog that i write...
My voice repeated and repeated in my mind.
was it a mistake, i was scared,
but what came after was even greater than i could have expected.

i guess i didn't realize how hard it would be to show people this blog.
the fact is so obvious to me now.
people i care about, people that don't know.
everyone. basically.
sharing this blog is just as hard as writing this blog.

i checked my email, like i usually do.
she had written me an email response, thanking me for sharing my blog with her.
reading her email made me cry, i admit.
she said i was doing something infinitely important...that my idea for this blog was beyond brilliant.
i cant say that, that comment doesn't make me feel awesome.
i want this blog, to grow, to thrive in awesomeness.
but most of all i want it to help me,
and maybe some others along the way.

our strengths together.
our weakness and insecurities unite.
we share and are burdened with the same/but different experiences.
we are not alone.
by far, we are not alone.

i don't blame her

today, the subject came up.

my mom decided to talk/excuse herself from any blame about my past.

about my molestation. she's only known for about six months now...i am now 31.

this is something that happened years and years ago.

i'm not saying i don't still deal with it, sometimes daily or weekly.

i'll always be having to deal with it, i think. 

what i am saying is that, i'm OK.

I have always had my faith in God,

and music.

i strongly believe that my faith in God has been so strong, 

it has saved me from my own depressions, my own self. 

music put my anxieties at rest and together these things have made me whole.

i am who i am because of life, because of  my past.

she said something today,

that made me feel like she was putting blame on me for not telling her sooner.

how do you tell your mother...i did tell you. 

remember, on this and this occasion.

remember when i was 6....and then again around 11?

i remember because as a very confused, sad, lonely kid, 

i told her in ways that she might understand.

she never did put it all together.

maybe its her ignorance,

maybe i don't know.

all i know, is i don't inquire.

i don't want to think she knew or even had an inkling.

my mother is a very ignorant uneducated person.

i'm not saying she's dumb.

i'm just saying i guess, maybe she was naive.

how do i tell her i did tell her, twice..maybe three times.

how do i do that without her feeling like i'm blaming her?

that would never be my intention, 

and i forgive her for her ignorance of not understanding.

i pray that i will be able to see and understand when someone is reaching out to me.
i pray. i pray. i pray

there's always up

there's always up. that's all we can do sometimes. it's all we can breathe, feel and taste.
at least that's my experience.
its how i choose to live my life.
.open ended.
i took this picture on my honeymoon.
because that's the way i try and view my life. each and every time i become overwhelmed.