my thoughts and ramblings

well. i found some of my old writing from high school.
pretty dark, compared to my writings today.
to me this was the most difficult time.
poor mr. dorna had to read all my misery.
he had to have known.
maybe that's why it genuinely seemed like he cared about me.
high school was difficult
i was alone. i felt alone.
but life is difficult.
i remember being very sad, very depressed.
not understanding anything that had happened,
the disgust and feelings of guilt left me numb with pain.
and the anger that lay inside me,
was there for anyone to see.

i know maybe you think i'm sad or depressed right now
because of my writings, but this is just my release.
like i said, this is my outlet.
i let all my bad days and nights live here.

beyond me

when you feel like i do,
heart and soul
shattered,
weak...limp
uneasiness trembles throughout me,
beyond me
then you will know
what it feels like to be me.

people judge me
i know they do
behind their eyes
i can see it,
feel it

i swallow,
dry
and so uncomfortably

eyes and tongues
your words spoken,
come back to me

deceit

do you know what it feels like?

make your lies.
calm your heart and soul with me

release me

i have always given much credit of my early survival to music.
without it
i don't know where or what exactly my mental state would be.

i believe strongly in music,
its power, its charm
its whispering thoughts
surrounding me,
embracing me,
unconditionally
feeling my thoughts, my pasts,
my everything
with me

never judging

i lived in the music,
we escaped together
many times i would lay in my bed
listening...
breathing...
choking on tears of sadness.
tears of a girl
with a lost sense of being.

i believe music heals the soul
its power, unheard of
with ever lyric full of life,
every lyric full of pain

i was released.

-

most of the time
i felt alone.

like a tragedy.
helpless
and useless.

as a girl i always wondered
how come no one ever seemed to noticed
or ever seemed to care

i was left alone,
over and over again.

everything was so obvious to me.

withdrawn.
lonely.
abused.
unloved.


i always knew it wasn't my fault but,
i still felt guilty


sometimes
looking back now,
i wonder how i could still believe in myself.
how did i have any hopes and dreams left?
i was such a small kid.
and for years and years,
there was always a way i found a bright side.
how could i even smile?
if it hurt to breathe.



and now it leads me to this:
i wanted to verbalize and write down all of what i have felt.
to become a better more understood version of myself
to be able to feel more confident.
and most importantly,
to overcome

everyday can be a struggle.
asphyxiated and
numb.

and i need to always remember,
that there is more to life than this

...venom...

this has everything
and at the same time nothing to do with my past experiences.

sometimes.

sometimes,
i get caught up
in life.
sometimes i react in all the right ways.
sometimes i do just the opposite,
and completely destroy things.
making things worse.

have you ever taken a situation completely out of context.
blamed all your frustration and anger on something or someone.

well. that's what happened.

i wish i could clean the slate. but i feel like poison.
unhealthy.
my mind and my body are weak.

projection

we all make mistakes.
but do we recognize them?
do they weigh in your stomach?
do they break your heart?

we put ourselves in these situations,
But do not know how to react.

clouded judgments and denial.

Denial...maybe i need help. maybe i need a therapist. maybe.
i don't know.

i am so much weaker than people perceive me to be.
weaken, mislead and confused.
sometimes i imagine myself..more perfect.
then you know..something happens...and it shows me,
i'm still just that stupid scared girl in
grade school...
high school..
day after day
year after year.

the infliction of pain and heartache,
heartbreak.
the bond of trust and friendship over in a second.

words are strong and powerful things.
masochistic by nature.
theses things i say,
these things i do.
i don't understand.
i will never understand.

daily motion

sometimes, some days are not that easy
it's like everything is disconnected.
raw.
the feelings that run within me,
break me.
and i still end up feeling lost.
after all this time.