a case of a childhood impaired by molestation

Sunday, January 29, 2012


it's a hard thing to say,
to admit
it took me years...
for me to even be able to say the word

i knew it was wrong,
i always knew it was so wrong.
but, i was so young when it started...
i was so afraid and so brainwashed.
how would i know what to say or do..
i was confused.


i was molested.
for over five years of my life.
when it started is vague..i'm thinking six,
but i know i was about eleven when it finally stopped.
when i finally told my older sister..

i remember thinking about telling her for months,
the courage always seemed to escape me.
i remember practicing how i was going to tell her on my walks home from school.
how hard that time was for me.
saying those words, for the first time
were the hardest part of this journey.
this recovery.
this self finding.
how do you find yourself in a little girl that's been molested for the majority of her life?
i was so lost, and i felt so alone.

i remember thinking she was going to yell at me,
and run off and tell my mom.

i was so afraid of my mom.

my abuser had created a monster out of my mom.
telling me she hated me.
that i was a mistake.
that she wouldn't care in the least if i was gone.

and for a very long time
i believed him

that's how i lived,
that was my truth,
the only thing i knew
for years as a child.

really looking back,
it's almost unbelievable to me.

somehow, through all of that shit
an eleven year old girl
found the courage to tell her first someone.

to spit out that word that was deteriorating her entire being
from the inside out.

i was molested.
i am a victim of sexual, physical and verbal abuse.
i was called every horrible name in the book before the age of ten.
i was beaten with any object laying around.
i knew an array of sexual disgusting-ness no kid should ever know.

all the while under the same roof my family lived in.
without anyone knowing.

with a silent shout i wait
to become stronger, to find myself

everyday has new beginnings


  1. sometimes i think it's true what they say...
    we never know how strong we actually are until being that strong is the only option...
    even as children, you know?

  2. P.S. whoever that bastard is, I'll help you rip his eyes out if you want

  3. You understand how amazing you are for doing this blog? Take back the power...it's yours to have. You will never forget, you will be strong and you need no one's admission of guilt. It will not change the past. As long as you heal, shout your story...<3

  4. I don't even know how to respond to this blog post.. Everything I could possibly say would sound trite and menial.. You have been through soooo much :-( But I love how you end this on a note of hope.. And really...yes, every day has a new beginning.. I really hope you share more about yourself and your life now...I'm hooked!

    Janette, the Jongleur

    1. thank you Janette for all your words of support, it really means so much to me! see ya on instagram.

  5. I was, I believe 5 or 6, when it started... It ended right before my seventh birthday, because we moved to a different state... A family friend who had the whole community fooled. I think I was eleven when I realized what molestation was and how it applied to me. I knew it was wrong, and I hated it, feared it, but it took that time for me to realize that it had a name. I've been recently understanding how such abuse has played out in my intimate relationships. I'm learning more about myself, and I don't feel so captive. I think going into those feelings, not repressing them, is the way to heal. Going in, then through, then beyond. You are courageous. You are beautiful. You are powerful. Love you lady.

  6. Thank you Nadine for sharing that very private piece of yourself with me, and with the rest of the readers.
    Thank you for taking the time and reading a little bit into my soul. Thank you for being you.
    Those words you wrote, they are so common and true for us. how this abuse affects and sometimes dissects our current or past relationships, with friends or lovers.
    It's always a work in progress for me.
    but, i guess we must always strive to be better.
    and for my own personal life, not to make the same mistakes i've made in my past.