words without thought

i wish you could understand
the power of your words spoken.
your tongue and lips move
sounding assaults
penetrating/breaking
hearts and souls.
ever-changing us,
leaving us empty and listless.

we cannot change things said out of anger,
things said incorrectly,
words without thought.

in the end
we are to never be the same.
relationships are broken
and sadness settles in,
for all around
to choke on.

hourglass

even though it may seem as though i am gone,
i am still here.
busy with school.
studying for exams and writing care plans.

in-between that, i am also with child.
my third son.
due in november.

i am doing well.
to tell you the truth i don't have much time to let my past get the best of me.
i am thankful for this busyness.
its let me stabilize.

i hope you are all well.
find yourself with love in your heart.
and enjoying your surroundings.

i will be.
love- evelyne

misunderstanding the judgement

i know sometimes i may be easily misunderstood.
my silence,
my awkwardness,
its just a permanent part of me.
sometimes my actions can be something hard to understand,
i may even make a fool out of myself.
stumbling clumsily around my words
not making myself clear at all times, i know.
and i understand,
you may judge me for it.
and i guess,
i'm sorry for that.
i'm sorry you judge so quickly,
because i without a doubt,
am feeling judged by you.
but i'm okay with that
i guess, in a way i'm use to it.
that doesn't mean i like it, in any sense.
it just means that part of my awkwardness is inevitable
inevitably being use to it.
is slightly unfortunate
this may not make too much sense
and i'm sorry that you can not take the time to understand me
just next time,
try not jumping to huge conclusions,
because,
life is funny,
and it's not always about you,
it's not even always about me.
it's about patience and understanding



.

anger

there's something about anger,
that i always seem to not understand.
the way it comes and goes.
it lingers.
oh, the way it lingers.

i feel content.
i feel passionate about many things.
driven.

maybe even healed, sometimes.
or maybe just a little bit.

but, this anger,
it comes up to me and shakes the shit out of me.

ANGER!?!!
i can't get over it.

you are still one angry bitch!

i've tried to shake this feeling many times,
leave it behind me,
i've tried to overcome it..
and go above it.
saying i'm so much more than this!
hell, sometimes i believe myself and think i'm free.

what is this freedom?
what does it amount too?
and just how much does it cost?

we must endure/
i must endure.

detached

as a kid i remember peering inside the house from the windows,
(condensation from my breath all built up) my tiny fingers so cold i couldn't even bend them.
but, that was my choice...i was playing a game.
i was playing escape,
running away in my mind.
at that point as a child i wanted to be anywhere but inside that house.

its amazing what happens when you look at things from the outside.
you feel a bit detached.
also, it doesn't seem to hurt as much.
now, i'm going to say,
i know that's probably not the healthiest approach to things.
actually i'm quite certain, it can't be.
but, to be struggling as much as i did from time to time
sometimes it's all i could really do.
i watched myself, outside of myself
pretending that it wasn't me.
it wasn't me.
i ran away.


i've found myself doing that a lot lately, like when i was a kid.
things always seem very much surreal and unattached that way.
a bit cloudy, murky, and a lot more faint.
the pain of the memories and my dysfunction is sometimes overwhelming.
my whole life i've runaway.
in my mind and i would say sometimes even in my heart.
in a way my thoughts have always been detached.
i always wanted to spend my time thinking this thing didn't happened to me.
those memories and pain aren't mine.

and in the end, it hits me harder,
always.

the truth is,

most of the time i don't know what to expect. 

i am fragile.

i am emotional.

i am many things, all the time.

i get so confused.

i'll admit most of the time, i feel so alone, surrounded by people.

i feel like screaming.

can you not see me?!

can you not see my anguish.

it is written across my heart, i bleed it.

i am almost certain that this is something that never really gets better.

it's just a haunting.

a haunting of evelyne. 

how long can it linger above me, in my dreams and in my thoughts.

relax, you're not alone

open your eyes now,
we're all wounded.
surrounded by uncertainties
followed by nightmares and night terrors.

in real life
we must learn to breathe all over again
in and out
pacing ourselves
not taking in too much air that quickly.

close your eyes and just breathe
think of beautiful things
of family and friends.
of good times.

everything in life is never easy.

breathing, living, loving

simple and complicated